READ THE FIRST CHAPTER NOW!

This is the bible on what nOt to say to someone having a tough time.

You’re about to journey through a whole jungle of well-intentioned words that were said to me as I traversed tough times in my life—of which I’ve had maybe a little more than my fair share, but hey, as Eckhart Tolle says, it is as it is. 

Through each story, my hope is that you’ll get a sense of why sometimes the common comfort people offer up in times of crisis actually hurts worse than saying nothing at all. You’ll also see examples of what you can say. Words that actually lift and inspire, offer hope, or even just send the message that you care and you’re there for them.

No more “at least…”, no more “silver linings”, and no, everything does not happen for a reason.

This is the guidebook on how to be a true ally to the people you love.

Take your foot all the way out of your mouth, because once you’re done reading, it’s never going back in again!

A LOOK INSIDE DON’T F*CKING SAY THAT

  • “At least you got a boob job out of the deal!”

    In case your jaw didn’t immediately drop when you read the above comment, let me just gently make something very clear:

    That’s not something you should ever say to a breast cancer survivor who’s just had a mastectomy.

    How do I know? Because someone said that to me. Recently.

    And if your jaw did just drop in shock, then boy do I have news for you: that’s not even the tip of the iceberg of what you’ll read in this book! Pop some popcorn and settle in, because you’re about to cringe your ass off.

  • Think back to every time someone said something that hurt you, and then followed it up by insisting, “But I meant well.”

    “I didn’t mean to stick this knife in your guts and twist hard! I was just trying to help!” Oh, okay, nevermind then! I’ll go find a band-aid and shut up.

    Imagine if instead, they just apologized for the impact they made, and tried to do better in the future.

    Just imagine how much better off we’d all be if focused more on our impact than our intention. If we stopped using our intentions as a get out of jail free card for hurting people.

  • I want to send a message of solidarity to everyone who’s experienced tragedy and gone through those lightning-bolt, whiplash, did you really just say that?! moments. I see you. I know it’s hard to hear those words, and I know it’s even harder not to react, get mad, and make anyone else feel bad. I know all too well what it feels like to walk on eggshells trying not to upset anyone when you’re the one who’s going through it.

    It’s exhausting. It makes you want to crawl into bed, pull your covers over your head, and never ever come out and see anyone, ever again. I know how lonely it feels when nobody else gets it. I know how isolating grief is. I see you.

    My hope for you is that you see yourself in these pages and know that you’re not alone.

MELLISSA LIBRACH

“I didn’t write this book in response to any one person, and this book isn’t about anyone but me. My feelings, my experiences, and my thoughts on how we can all support each other better.”

At the end of the day, that’s what we all want to do, right? We want to show the people we love that we love them. Humans are naturally empathetic beings, despite what the news and social media makes things look like (and I’ll talk more about this later, but I don’t watch the news, and I don’t do social media for that exact reason). We want to love each other. We want to support each other. When another person is in pain, our natural instinct and urge is to reach out and help, even if the only thing we have to offer is comfort.

That’s why I wrote this book. I wanted to create a message of love for everyone who has ever tried to support someone who’s hurting, and accidentally made things worse. 

I wanted to say: “I see you. I know you’re trying your best. I know you don’t know what to say. I know you only want to help.” 

I wanted to add my own help to the mix, giving you the tools you need to carry out your original mission—to love and support the person you care about.